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The bloodsuckers went under cover, living among the animals they fed upon and diverting human history relentlessly in their favour. Enforced through the agreement of the seven vampire clans, a mandate demanded that thou shaft not reveal thy true nature to those not of the blood'. The deal is that a few millennia ago, vampires recognised that if humans ever cottoned on to the fact there were thousands of clammy-palmed bloodsuckers in their midst their days as the undead ethnic minority would be numbered. This is where Vampire: The Masquerade and the White Wolf Universe of pen-and-paper gaming and its reams of stats and character classes come into play, giving a sense of order to the many and varied interpretations of vamp lore. And what about the bizarre hatred of garlic? Are zombies averse to parsley? Do werewolves come out in a nasty rash when they get close to nutmeg? It makes no sense.

I mean there's not a lot of fibre in your average artery, is there? The idea of a bowelconscious Nosferatu tucking into a bowl of All Bran before his nightly jaunt in search of fresh virgins won't ever be particularly scary. We all know what four beers and a tikka masala can do to your digestive system, so what the hell would a few years of only drinking blood do to your belly? It really doesn't bear thinking about. Take the 100 per cent blood diet, for example. Most of what they say about vampires doesn't make much sense.

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